


Of Lies and Calories

by scorpiusismypatronus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, F/M, Gen, I used to, Self-Harm, do i have a life? no, hermione has an eating disorder, i had a lot of cookies while writing this oops, why is 'i just really love pete wentz' such a common tag like i do tho, why just in general
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 07:39:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9646700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiusismypatronus/pseuds/scorpiusismypatronus
Summary: Hermione isn't as okay as she says she is





	

Hermione stared at her food.

 

Chicken. _300 calories_.

 

A roll. _100 calories, with jam._

 

Carrots. _0 calories, god bless._

 

That was 400 calories. She’d skipped breakfast, and her lunch had been simply a slice of bread with cheese on it ( _180_ ), and she’d paced around for 45 minutes to burn off the calories.

 

She’d written down everything she’d eaten in the last three months.

 

_September: average calories/day: 1300_

_October: average calories/day: 970_

_November: average calories/day: 660_

 

Now it was December 3rd, and her average so far was 580. She needed to lower that.

 

Because she could. She was in control of what she ate.

 

She was.

 

She cut her chicken into tiny pieces and pushed it around her plate with her fork.

 

“You okay?” asked Ron.

 

“Yeah, why?”

 

“You just seemed a little off today. I was wondering if something was wrong.”

 

“No. I’m fine.”

 

She bit off a piece of her roll and chewed as slowly as possible. It was half gone now. She’d eaten half her chicken.

 

It was a blue plate. She’d read that dark plates make you eat less.

 

She sipped her coffee and took another bite of her roll.

 

The coffee was calorie free and energizing. God bless coffee. And diet coke.

 

She finished off the last of her carrots and Ron said, “are you going to eat that chicken? Because I’m famished.”

 

“You can have it.”

 

She bit into her roll again and it was soon gone.

 

_100 calories in the roll, about 150 in the chicken… 250 calories. If she paced for an hour, she could burn that off._

 

“I’m gonna go to the commons rooms and study,” she said, pulling her earbuds out of her pocket.

 

“Another audiobook?” asked Harry.

 

“Of course,” said Hermione. “Auditory input helps you learn, as does motion.”

 

And with that, she exited the great hall.

 

 _A beozar_ , said the narrator, _can heal almost all kinds of poison_ …

 

And an hour later, she looked in the mirror and smiled.

 

~~

 

_Breakfast: one piece of bread, with jam: 140 calories._

_Paced 1/2 hour: - 120 calories_

_Lunch: one half PBJ sandwich: 190 calories_

_Paced 1/2 hour: - 120 calories_

_Dinner: Spaghetti, 1 cup: 310 calories_

_Total: 400 calories_

 

It wasn’t yesterday’s 0 calories, but it was something. It was lower than 580.

 

~~

 

_Breakfast: 1 Diet Coke, one apple: 0 calories_

_Lunch: An audiobook in the Herbology shed: 0 calories_

_Dinner: 1 diet coke, 1 coffee, two raised eyebrows from Ron, an apple, and 14 baby carrots: 0 calories_

_Total: -240 calories_

 

~~

 

_Breakfast: 1 diet coke, one apple: 0 calories_

_Lunch: An audiobook in Transfiguration, one cigarette: - 120 calories_

_Dinner: 1 coffee, 1 pear, 1 bowl of ice cream, pushed on her by Ron: 140 calories_

_Total: 20 calories_

 

~~

  
“I’m not anorexic,” she said, rolling her eyes at Ron. “You’ve seen me eat.”

 

“That’s true. I just never see you at lunch. It worries me, sometimes.”

 

“I’ll come to lunch,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I’ve been eating with my audiobooks. I need to pass my classes.”

 

~~

 

_Breakfast: 1 piece of bread and jam, forced on her by Ron: 140 calories_

_Paced in 15 minute break between Potions and Transfiguration: - 60 calories_

_Lunch: 3 rice cakes with jam, forced on her by Ron: 120 calories_

_Dinner: 1 cigarette, 1 “I’m not in a chicken mood,” 5 disapproving stares from Ron, 1 glass of Diet Coke, one concerned look from Harry, 15 baby carrots, 1 apple: 0 calories_

_Total: 200 calories_

 

~~

 

“There’s nothing wrong,” she told Harry when he asked. “I’m eating.”

 

“Yeah, coffee, smokes, and cold diet cokes. Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine. I eat more than that.”

 

“Like?”

 

“I had rice cakes and jam at lunch today.”

 

“Yeah, Ron practically forced it down your throat. Listen, Hermione, I love you, and I’m really concerned about you right now. Okay?”

 

“There’s nothing to be concerned about. I’m fine.”

 

~~

_Breakfast: 2 pieces of toast and jam, forced down her throat by Harry: 260 calories_

_Lunch: One PBJ sandwich, forced down her throat by Ron: 390 calories_

_Two hours pacing around Hagrid’s instead of going to Double Potions: - 480_

_Dinner: chicken and rice forced down her throat by both Harry and Ron: 670 calories_

_One hour pacing around the girl’s dorms at 2am: - 240_

_Total: 600 calories_

 

~~

 

Her robes hung off her frame now, just a little, but it was something.

 

~~

 

Harry shoved a book in her face. “Read this.”

 

She scanned the highlighted sentences.

 

_Most people with an eating disorder tend to restrict their eating, and  many exercise to burn off calories. They usually are consuming less than 1,100 calories a day; and often lie about what they eat. The average teenager eats 2,800 calories a day - the average anorexic eats about 1,100 a week, or less._

 

“You’re not okay, Hermione.”

 

“I’m fine, Harry.”

 

~~

 

_Breakfast: one bagel, 250 calories_

_1 hour spent pacing during study hall: - 240_

_Lunch: one sandwich, 370 calories_

_1 hour spent pacing between Transfiguration and dinner: - 240_

_Dinner: 2 apples, 1 pear, 1 banana, 16 baby carrots, 1 diet coke, 1 cigarette, and 35 minutes spent pacing in the library: - 140_

_Total: 0_

 

~~

 

“Face it, Hermione, you have an eating disorder,” said Ron.

 

“I don’t have an eating disorder.”

 

“You are the textbook image of someone likely to have an eating disorder.”

 

“No, I’m not.”

 

“Show me your wrist.”

 

Hermione balled her sleeves up in her fists. “What? Why?”

 

“You know exactly why.”

 

“I’m not cutting if that’s what you want to know.”

 

“Then show me. Put my mind at ease, Hermione.”

 

She rolled up her right sleeve.

 

Nothing.

 

“Now the other one.”

 

“Haven’t you made your point?”

 

“No, I haven’t!”

 

“I’m not going to show you my wrist, Ron. There’s nothing wrong, and I’m not cutting.”

 

Ron just sighed. “I’m sorry I’m not worthy of your trust.”

 

And then he walked away.

 

~~

 

_Breakfast: sleep_

_Lunch: Lying in her bed wondering where she went wrong, stomach gnawing at her._

_Snack: Cigarette_

_Dinner: Water_

_Total: 0 calories_

 

She barely had the energy to stand up.

 

~~

 

“Look, Ron, I’m sorry. I was just pissed off because me and Harry had a fight, okay? I snapped at you. I shouldn’t have.”

 

“Then show me your wrist.”

 

She showed him her right wrist again.

 

“Fine,” he said. “I’d ask to see your thighs, but I’m not going to do that.”

 

“You’d find nothing.” (that wasn’t a lie)

 

“Sorry. I was just anxious. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

 

~~

 

_Breakfast: lying to Ron_

_Lunch: lying to Harry about breakfast and stating she had a blood test tomorrow_

_Dinner: lying to both Ron and Harry about said nonexistent blood test_

_Total: 0 calories._

 

~~

 

Ginny laced her fingers through Hermione’s. “C’mon, eat quick so I can show you my Pygymy Puff!”

 

So Hermione ate her toast and followed Ginny.

 

Ginny stuck to her like glue all day, telling her to eat, making sure she did, talking constantly… she loved Ginny, she really did… but she’d eaten _so much food_ that day. So much food.

 

_Breakfast: 1 slice toast: 110_

_Lunch: 1 sandwich, apple: 390_

_Dinner: 1 cup spaghetti, apple, diet coke: 310_

_Total: 810 calories_

 

~~

 

Hermione stared down at the scars on her arm. She didn’t know how to get out of this one.

 

“Hermione, you’ve got to roll up your sleeves if you don’t want the Mandrake to try to eat it.”

 

“I’m quick,” she assured Professor Sprout.

 

And she was quick.

 

But not quick enough that she didn’t see Ron absolutely fuming behind his screaming Mandrake baby.

 

~~

 

“Hermione. What happened in Herbology today?” asked Ron.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You wouldn’t roll up your sleeves.”

 

“I just moisturized. I didn’t want to get dirt all over my arms.”

 

Ron snorted. “That’s the most bullshit I’ve ever heard you spew in one sentence, Hermione. Look, if you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay, but please don’t lie to me. It makes me feel kind of untrusted.”

 

“I’m not lying,” whispered Hermione, but it was a total lie, and they both knew it.

 

Her face crumbled.

 

“I’m not lying; not when I say this. I’ve barely spoken a word that wasn’t a lie in the past month. And I’m sorry. I just thought you didn’t need two freak-show friends. Well. One who is, and one who _thinks_ he is.”

 

“Harry’s not as happy as you think he is, mate,” said Ron. “I’m sorry, I’m just… I don’t know. It’s not like I don’t have a slight idea of what you’re going through. I’ve got my own share of dysphoria and depression. Being trans at Hogwarts can be hard sometimes.”

 

“I’m sorry,” said Hermione. “I forget… I forget about other people sometimes. I’m selfish, I guess.” she laughed self-deprecatingly.

 

“You’re not,” said Ron. “But you are a horrible liar. Look, I’m not going to force you, but if you ever need to talk to someone, I’m here, okay?” He squeezed her hand once. “Good night, Hermione.”

 

“Good night.”

 

~~

 

“Ron? I’m ready to talk.”

 

“Okay,” he said. “Over a diet coke?”

 

“Sure.”

 

~~

 

“So. I’m going to rant at you, and I’m sorry.

 

“In second year, Malfoy called me Mudblood. That’s when I started testing to see if his accusation was true.

 

“This year, I started to eat less, because I could control that. I could control what I ate. But now I’m out of control.

 

“I lied a lot. And I’m sorry.

 

“I didn’t know how you’d react.

 

“It started over the summer. I was online. And I found the pro-ana community.

“They basically say eating disorders are good.

 

“I got sucked in.

 

“I just feel empty so much. It’s hard for me to… I don’t know, process emotions, I guess.

 

“I’m not trying to recover.

 

“I’m just trying to survive.

 

“And I know it’s hard for you too, you kind of have it harder than-“

 

“Nope. No. Don’t compare yourself to me. We’re different people, Hermione. And one of us having a worse situation doesn’t make the other invalid.”

 

That was the first time Hermione cried in front of him.

 

~~

 

The next morning, she bit into a cinnamon roll.

 

~~

 

That night, she told Harry that he and Ron were angels and they deserved so much happiness.

 

~~

 

The next day, she bought them both new binders.

 

~~

 

A week later, she checked herself into Madame Promfrey’s and said, “I need to talk to a mind healer.”

**Author's Note:**

> Pls review!! it means a lot :)


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